So You Want to be a Model?

Today’s voyeuristic society has churned out plenty of would-be girl next door hotties who just refuse to settle with the attention of most their male counter parts. Thanks to social networking sites like facebook and myspace just about anyone can straddle the fence between D-list celebrity and bitchy narcissist. All one needs is the drive to “friend” every living soul they come in contact with and high resolution digital camera to start down the rocky road to becoming a fashion model.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to better one self. Nor am I saying you shouldn’t use social media to help you network and achieve your goals. All I’m saying is that ranking hotter than a 7 on most people’s scale of 10 pt and being skinny doesn’t make becoming a model a worthwhile or realistic ambition. I understand you want to feel attractive. We all do. But your dreams of becoming the first 4’6” model are about as realistic as mine of becoming the first non-catholic pope. Oh how I would love to be the first secular pontiff. What better than to God’s official spokesperson for millions of believers without being tied to the faith. My first act of infallibility would be to declare the work week be that Monday is now Funday. The sequel to Sunday, which requires you refrain from work again and instead of resting have as much fun as you can. My dreams of pontificating a shorter work week are unrealistic. I’ve come to accept this.

It’ probably for the best that the Pope is actually Catholic and that fashion models are on the whole at least 5’7”. Who wants to listen secular religious leader? And who wants to buy shit from short people? No-one! Don’t give up your hopes of becoming a model just yet all you viral exhibitionists. Just because you aren’t Victoria secret material doesn’t mean you weren’t cut out for other modeling gigs. Perhaps you should consider the JC Penny’s catalog. Or if that fails, take off your shirt. If that fails, you can still call yourself a model even though we all know you just do porn, real nasty porn.

Be warned, however, that for me nothing makes me go from wanting to get busy with a girl to wanting to run in the other direction than hearing she wants to be a model. It says to me,  “I want to be ogled for a profession” or “I thought about applying myself to something worthwhile, but I’m just too dumb” or “I’m so insecure with my body that I need the constant validation of strangers.” Of course if she is 5’ 10” and 115 lbs, I might take her more seriously. I’ll probably be too intimidated to talk to her to her in the first place of course. So assuming this blog doesn’t take off and I land a book deal worth a few million: if I’m talking to you, the odds of you becoming a model are slim to none. That’s when you know you should probably give it up. I’m not saying you aren’t pretty. I’m saying you’re just not pretty enough to be a successful model. Successful models are the in-humanly beautiful girls that never have to lift a finger for anything in life. God put them here to make us all feel a little shittier about ourselves. They are here (along with the people who airbrush their pictures) to keep us all humble.

Perhaps this isn’t discouraging to you. I am after all the academic cynical type that probably wouldn’t make too much money anyway. And if you hope to become a model odds are you hope to marry into money as well. After all what could be a better barometer of the perfect mate than a robust portfolio and a lack of interest in a pre-nup. If that’s you, a simpler minded money-driven assholes are probably more your type. I doubt they will find your desire to be a model as contemptible as I. They might like the idea of their significant other smiling like a jackass half naked to hock sweat-shopped apparel.  They might even be so vain as to appreciate the hundreds of preteen boys locked in the bathroom dutifully chaffing their pricks to your first underwear ad.

Perhaps I’m blowing this whole modeling obsession out of proportion. There have been vapid egotistical girls seeking cheap accolades from horny guys for centuries. I suppose what angers me about it now is that women don’t have to be relegated to a subordinate role in society. They are free to pursue whatever intellectual and professional goals they wish. Shit, women don’t even need a witness to charge a man with rape anymore. Of course not all men are like me, attracted both to physical beauty and intellectual prowess. Some of us wish for the old days when it was alright to treat a woman like a moving houseplant. I suppose the current generation of girls just hasn’t experienced enough sexism to make them want to do more with there lives than stand there and look pretty.

So in conclusion, I’ve developed a quiz for all the aspiring models out there to see if they have what it takes. Or if they need to step away from the pipe, dream that is.

1. Are you at least 5’6” or taller?

a. no

b. yes

2. How do you measure someone’s worth?

1. By what impact they have on the community by contributing productive labor or thinking
2. By how many people think they are hot

3. What is more important?

1. being a good person

1. being sexy; good muscle definition

4. Are you willing to purge your self to live up to the unrealistic and unhealthy standards of beauty modern society has settled on?

1. no, I like to eat and once I do eat I like to keep it down.

1. yes, calories are gross and vomiting is just another tool in the diet tool-box

If you are wondering which answers make modeling a worthwhile goal for you, you don’t have anything worthwhile to contribute to society anyways so continue to hope to be a model. Obviously if you’ve answered b. modeling might not be a bad choice for you. If you’ve answered C more than once, give up. You’re just not vapid, bitchy, or tall enough to be a model. Be thankful you still have your self respect and the admiration of men who want wives capable of cognitive responses more highly evolved than looking fierce and coyly biting their lower lip. Although in certain situations those things are certainly appropriate.

~ by theparkinglotfields on January 12, 2010.